The worst part… so far

From what I read/hear, this whole “trying to get pregnant” business might get a whole lot worse- more drugs, painful procedures, and worst of all: the pain of hearing and seeing “not pregnant” over and over and over. Since I’m just at the beginning stage of this whole shenanigan, I have yet to experience the worst of it. For now, the worst part is the dreams that visit me at night.

The first one came a couple weeks ago. I was pregnant- 9 months- and really surprised/happy about it in my dream. So I went into labor, but I was alone. Completely and utterly alone. No husband by my side. No family. No one called. It was like no one even knew I was in labor. I delivered the baby, and held the baby, and nursed the baby, and no one ever came. I remember feeling panicked thinking, “I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING!” but simultaneously feeling so happy thinking, “A BABY! I finally had a baby!” But more than anything I felt sadness that my husband wasn’t with me, and neither was anyone else.

The second one came last night. It wasn’t anything elaborate or big. I just took a pregnancy test, and it was positive. I was ecstatic. The heart wrenching pain of this dream comes when I wake up feeling so happy, and then remembering that it was just a dream. A wish. A hope. A pretty, please God? I’ll be extra good at parenting?

It probably sounds more depressing than it really is, honestly. I’m urked by these dreams, but not devastated by them (yet). I’ll be happy if they only ever stay at the “this sucks” level without moving onto the the “this depresses me and makes me cry in the morning” stage. I’m willing to bet that the suck factor of these dreams will directly correlate to the suck factor of our situation. Who wants to place bets?

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