I’m finding that this whole “trying to get pregnant but have dysfunctional ovaries” business is mind blowingly frustrating. I think mostly what’s getting me down is that I ALLOWED myself to be so hopeful that we might get it on the first try with all the meds. Because I allowed myself to be so hopeful, I am continuously disappointed the longer this cycle goes on with no smiley face or temperature spike. It’s like banging my head against the wall.
Here, for the sake of brevity, is my list of grievances against this whole process:
*OPKs. Wretched, wretched OPKs. The box mocks me making it sound so easy to catch that LH surge. But it’s not. It’s it’s own effing science. And, AND? There are so many ways that I, as the user, can screw it up. Which of course, I do.
*Temping. I got my hopes up yesterday as my temperature went from the 96s range up to the low 97s. I was hoping for a continual upward trend today annnnd… it plummeted back down. Granted, my mom (who is in town) woke me up at 3:52 this morning- about an hour and a half before my alarm would go off for me to take my temp. I woke up, and then took awhile to fall back asleep because I kept telling myself to go back to sleep so that my temperature wouldn’t get jacked up this morning. I have no idea whether to count today’s temp as “disturbed” or not yet. Either way, temping every morning is like a roller coaster of emotions.
*BDing. Baby making exercises. Yea. I have a grievance against this. IT IS SO. MECHANICAL. at this point. There is no excitement or pleasure. It’s like- dude, let’s do this. We do. And we go about whatever else. It’s tragic. It doesn’t help that I’ve had a fever blister on my lip for a week now, and the husb, as a medical professional, refuses to kiss me on the lips while I have it, lest he catch the terrible virus that causes fever blisters. So that means EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. we’ve BDed this cycle, there has been no kissing. How pathetic and sad, right? It’s just pissing me off at this point (might be an overreaction due to moodiness thanks to the Clo-Clo).
Dear Ovaries: get with the program. I’ve got all kinds of drugs in our system to help you run smoothly. Drugs that make me nauseous, moody, and give me hot flashes. Please don’t let me endure all this for nothing. RELEASE YOUR TREASURE. Thanks, bye.