A List of Grievances

I’m finding that this whole “trying to get pregnant but have dysfunctional ovaries” business is mind blowingly frustrating. I think mostly what’s getting me down is that I ALLOWED myself to be so hopeful that we might get it on the first try with all the meds. Because I allowed myself to be so hopeful, I am continuously disappointed the longer this cycle goes on with no smiley face or temperature spike. It’s like banging my head against the wall.

Here, for the sake of brevity, is my list of grievances against this whole process:

*OPKs. Wretched, wretched OPKs. The box mocks me making it sound so easy to catch that LH surge. But it’s not. It’s it’s own effing science. And, AND? There are so many ways that I, as the user, can screw it up. Which of course, I do.

*Temping. I got my hopes up yesterday as my temperature went from the 96s range up to the low 97s. I was hoping for a continual upward trend today annnnd… it plummeted back down. Granted, my mom (who is in town) woke me up at 3:52 this morning- about an hour and a half before my alarm would go off for me to take my temp. I woke up, and then took awhile to fall back asleep because I kept telling myself to go back to sleep so that my temperature wouldn’t get jacked up this morning. I have no idea whether to count today’s temp as “disturbed” or not yet. Either way, temping every morning is like a roller coaster of emotions.

*BDing. Baby making exercises. Yea. I have a grievance against this. IT IS SO. MECHANICAL. at this point. There is no excitement or pleasure. It’s like- dude, let’s do this. We do. And we go about whatever else. It’s tragic. It doesn’t help that I’ve had a fever blister on my lip for a week now, and the husb, as a medical professional, refuses to kiss me on the lips while I have it, lest he catch the terrible virus that causes fever blisters. So that means EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. we’ve BDed this cycle, there has been no kissing. How pathetic and sad, right? It’s just pissing me off at this point (might be an overreaction due to moodiness thanks to the Clo-Clo).

Dear Ovaries: get with the program. I’ve got all kinds of drugs in our system to help you run smoothly. Drugs that make me nauseous, moody, and give me hot flashes. Please don’t let me endure all this for nothing. RELEASE YOUR TREASURE. Thanks, bye.

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8 thoughts on “A List of Grievances

  1. Girlfriend! I say this with all the kindness in my heart, because I think if I were in your shoes I would be exactly the same, but you’ve got to take a chill pill for you own sake! I know you know this, but it’s just your first cycle on the meds. You can’t let BDing (Baby dancing? Seriously, who came up with that?) be mechanical so early in the process! I know you have been trying on your own for a while now, but one month into treatment you can’t let it be mechanical or you are going to rob each other of one of the most fun parts of being in love! First of all, stop calling it “baby dancing.” Try to cut the baby part out of the physical act and enjoy the “pleasures of the flesh.” I know easier said than done, but I’d try spicing it up again! My husband calls it “bringing sexy back,” ie when I take 5 min. to put on fake eyelashes and red lipstick versus trying to seduce him in one of the ratty tshirts I sleep in. Bust out an old Halloween costume. Dig out some lingerie. Try a new position. Make a game out of not kissing–he has to kiss you anywhere BUT your mouth! You are WAY too young for it to be mechanical 🙂 And please, for your own sake, give up the sticks and/or the temping. I’d prob pick ditching the sticks since I’m sure they add up and seems like it’d be easy to throw money away that way. Neither method is super reliable, as you know, so you’re just adding extra stress to the process. TRY to relax and actually enjoy the process (you know, the fun part of the process)! I know it’s nowhere near the same thing, but I remember being SO frustrated when I was waiting for my husband to propose (I knew he had bought the ring, and it still took him AGES to actually ask) but looking back it was the most exciting time in my life. Even though it’s not as easy and you imagined, you’re still in love and trying to grow your family. Try not to lose sight of the excitement of what you are doing just yet 🙂 Good luck!

    • Brittany-

      Thanks for the advice. We ARE in love, and we are trying not to let it be mechanical, but when we have to do it every. single. day, or even every other day we just can’t always bring the sexy back, nor do we always have the time to bring the sexy back. Not every single day when he’s tired from working all day and it’s the last thing I want to do after doing it every day for a week, etc. Even C has had trouble getting into it after awhile because doing all this requires us to do it SO often, and he gets tired too. It’s pretty much like we have to act like we’re in college again, but we aren’t in college again- we’re adults with worries and responsibilities and we’re tired but we both want to have a baby so we want to do it as often as possible to maximize our chances. So while we can’t make it magical every time, we CAN make more of a concentrated effort to bring the sexy back a couple times a week. It’s a good reminder. : )

      Also- I LOATHE the term “baby dancing” too, but it’s the term of choice in the fertility-challenged world so I’ve just gone with it on my blog. You can be assured though that sex is NEVER referred to as “baby dancing” out loud EVER in our house. : )

      Thanks again for your encouragement and advice. I just needed to vent this morning.

      • Ha, I definitely did not mean to bring the sexy back every time! You know, just a little switcheroo sometimes so you’re not eating the same thing for dinner every night 😉

        And glad to hear you don’t call it BDing in real life, not that I thought you did. I know it’s a infertility term, but it’s a pretty bad euphemism! It’s certainly not very romantic, in my mind anyway!

  2. The waking up at a different time this am could’ve made a big difference. Then again, you may just not have gotten your surge yet (some ppl O as late as day 22 or 23). I’ve noticed that on Clomid, my temp spike is minimal (less than .4 degrees, which its supposed to be). So a little rise could indicate O. Are you scheduled to get 7dpo blookwork done? I always get a progesterone level taken at 7 dpo just to confirm that I ovulated. You may want to ask your dr to draw your progesterone in a few days just to see if you did/didnt ovulate.

    I’m currently on 1500 mg on Metformin Extended Release (regular met totally screwed up my stomach) and 100 mg of Clomid. When I was on 50 mg I didn’t O, but did last month on 100 mg. Hope this helps! Fingers are still tightly crossed for you friend!

  3. So what CD are you on? I wouldn’t get to wiggy yet, though easier said than done. My body scoffed at clomid, but I’m really hoping things go different for you. And if not, we’ll just keep on keeping on, right?
    We have issues with the constant sexy-time too. I’m guilty of the ratty t-shirt seduction as well 🙂 Also, so, uh, DB is on high blood pressure meds, which can affect things in the beat of circumstances, so under the “must finish one way and one way ONLY” makes it that much worse. Even in the new-love phase you don’t want the exact same thing EVERY SINGLE TIME. Try and stick with the every other day thing. Less pressure, just as effective. Until you get your smiley face, then make like bunnies.
    Best of luck, and email if you want to complain.or anything!

  4. We’ve only done one cycle with meds and the sex was just not amazing. It was really mechanical and I was so sad afterwards. Like, why isn’t this sexy? Why isn’t this loving? Do I want to have a kid through this kind of conception?

    It was a major issue for me and once the cycle was over we didn’t have sex for a few weeks. Plus I mean sex after having the ultrasound shoved up my vagina every day wasn’t too appealing. I was thinking, here’s something else going up there! 😦

    We’re going to start another cycle in a few months and we’re trying to brainstorm ways to keep it from being so bleh. Maybe having my husband more involved in the rest of the process so it doesn’t feel like I go see the doctor for the ultrasounds, my pharmacist for the prescriptions, and my husband for the semen. Maybe making a date out of it somehow, not just today is the day so let’s get down to bidnez, maybe we could go out to dinner? Or rent a movie? Or get massages (haha)? The business-sexy-time is really the saddest part of this for me because I’m afraid of what it will do to our relationship if we have to have multiple cycles.

  5. I wouldn’t start to stress yet – my O date was definitely later on in the cycle when I was on Clomid each time. Heck I don’t even give myself a trigger shot when I’m doing injectibles until at least CD 24. Everyone reacts differently to each med. I can’t offer much advice on the OPK because I’ve never had success with them. Are you using them several times during the day? You could just be missing your surge. Temping at a different time than usual can definitely affect your reading. I usually temp and get up at 7:00 each morning but today I slept in until 8:30. My temp was much higher than it usually is. As far as the whole sex thing goes – I can relate on how it seems like it’s become mechanical and just something you have to do. Believe me, after 3 plus years of dealing with infertility, I definitely know how challenging it can be to make it seem romantic and make it not feel like something you just have to do. Having IUIs done makes me feel even more disconnected from the whole process.

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