Um. Yesterday was 12DP-IUI. Per my nurse’s instructions, I peed on a stick. I wasn’t expecting anything at all. I had period cramps the whole day before, you know… period period cramps. They felt familiar. I had resigned myself to the fact that the period must be coming.
But then there was this:
And then, because of my disbelief because that second line was so faint, this:
And even more, because I was really, really doubtful…
I feel nervous, I feel apprehensive, I still feel doubtful, I feel unsure, I feel scared, and most of all, I feel guilty. Why me? Why on earth me when my sweet friends are still struggling? It’s not fair. It’s not the natural order of things. It only makes sense that those who have been trying for longer get theirs first. It’s not effing fair.
I feel a slight twinge of excitement, but really more than anything I feel everything listed above. Scared, because I’ve heard too many sad stories about miscarriages to believe that this is going to last. Doubtful, because I need to see the blood work to confirm it. Unsure, because I never imagined this actually happening to me. Guilty, because my heart still aches for my friends who need, and DESERVE, their positives. And all the way back around to scared again because I know so many things can go wrong right now and screw all of this up.
I don’t even know what to do. Or what happens next. Or anything.
I can say though, that if this indeed turns out to be a viable pregnancy, that I will be moving all things pregnancy related over to my main blog, The Army Doctor’s Wife, out of respect for my friends and others who are still waiting for their positives. This blog was meant to be an outlet to write about my dealings in the infertility world with PCOS in a place where the regular readers on my other blog who were grossed out by such things, or just didn’t want to hear about such things, could avoid them. But this was just that, a PCOS/infertility blog, and while I still have, and will always have, PCOS, it doesn’t seem fair to write about being pregnant in such an environment. I will leave it up here for anyone who stumbles across wanting to read about what others have done and what has worked for others, but once I know for sure this is viable and real (sooo…. like, 6-8 weeks or so. I won’t believe it until there’s a heartbeat), all pregnancy related posts can be found at ADW.
I absolutely understand if you just can’t read me, or be interweb friends with me any longer. I know that it can be very difficult reading about these things when you’re in the midst of battling infertility. My heart still aches for you guys, and you’re in my prayers and thoughts regularly.
Tomorrow is the beta. We’ll see if any of this is really for real, and then… I don’t know. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do next.