It’s been a long time…

Hey internet. I know there are crickets out there, but I needed a place to come to get this all out. I kind of like it that no one views this blog anymore, because what I need to say I don’t really want a ton of people knowing.

So much has happened since that very last post here. I’m happy to report that I went on to have a healthy pregnancy and delivered our baby girl at 39 weeks and 5 days. She is the light of our lives, truly. And in 24 days, she will be one year old. Already. Holy cow.

In the past month or two, I have utterly and completely failed at taking birth control. I used to be so good at it, but I don’t know. Something happened to my memory. Anyway. C and I decided that I just would be off of it. Because really, if I did get pregnant it would AMAZING because, you know, YAY! No medical assistance necessary! And we want two bebes ideally anyway, and so, yea. It would be cool. Basically we aren’t in a place to seek out fertility treatment again, but we would be over the moon happy if something happened naturally.

Which is what brings me here.

The problem is that my body doesn’t do ANYTHING it’s supposed to do naturally. I knew this already, but it’s been a gut wrenching reminder lately as I’ve had so many “OMG SO MANY PREGNANCY SYMPTOMS MAYBE I’M PREGNANT!!” moments, only to be letdown by negative test after negative test. So many tears, again. Already. And we’re not even *technically* trying. I forgot how disappointing and painful it is to have a body that doesn’t seem to work. I also forgot that so many symptoms of PCOS, and PCOS coming off of birth control, shockingly mimic pregnancy symptoms in a way. Like acne. And cramping. And some other gross things. And then there are symptoms that aren’t PCOS related, I’m sure, but also don’t seem to mean pregnancy for me either. So it’s a double whammy.

Because of the cruel reminder that my body likes to act pregnant but never actually get pregnant (without injections of medicine and a catheter in my uterus, at least), I’ve been pretty emotional and sad. Which is so, SO stupid because we have this one, beautiful, wonderful gift of a child that I would love to spend more one on one time with before adding another baby to our family. But somehow, feeling pregnant and then not actually being pregnant- despite knowing that ideally C and I would like another year or so with E before another baby- crushes my heart. Because deep down, I do want another baby. I want my body to WORK, DAMMIT. I want to be one of those rare instances. One of those lucky people who are like, “WHOOPS!!”

I’ll never have a “whoops.”

I want to be one of those PCOSers who get pregnant via fertility treatments, and then unknowingly and accidentally gets pregnant naturally after that first baby.

I’ll never be one of those.

I’m just not that lucky. Things like that never happen to me.

I told C earlier that this situation is both win-win and lose-lose. If I were pregnant, it would be awesome because YAY! WE DID IT BY OURSELVES! And, YAY! A sibling for E!! I

If I’m not pregnant, then it’s awesome because YAY! MORE PRECIOUS TIME WITH OUR SWEET BABY GIRL WHO ISN’T EVEN A FULL YEAR YET!

Win-win, you see. Win if I am, win if I’m not.

Then again, if I’m pregnant it’s scary because Eeeek! What about E!? We need more time with her! More time as just a family of three!!

And, if I’m not pregnant… heart crushing, spirit destroying disappointment. My body doesn’t do what a woman’s is supposed to do. I can’t get pregnant on my own. And really? I, deep down, want another baby.

Which sounds so greedy to me. So then I shame myself.

Shame on you, L, for not appreciating what you have. You have been gifted a beautiful, precious child. You have friends who are still waiting for that gift. How dare you ask for more? How dare you even THINK about wanting another baby. Cherish the one child you have. Every single minute.

Don’t get me wrong. I do. I adore that sweet girl. ADORE. I am so blessed. So fortunate. So, so lucky to have her. We are beyond grateful.

I don’t want to be greedy. But I also want my body to do what it was designed to do, naturally. I want that joy.

So that’s where I’m at, and I’ve got nowhere to really share these thoughts and feelings with. Mostly because it feels so wrong to feel them and share them when I know so many still struggling just to have one sweet baby.

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2 thoughts on “It’s been a long time…

  1. Troubles conceiving is painful no matter if you are trying to conceive your first or third! Having our body’s not be able to do what nature intended it to do is, and will always be, frustrating. You have the right to feel frustrated, disappointed and annoyed, and this is a fantastic place to vent! Good luck on your win-win situation, and I hope that your PCOS troubles don’t bring you down too much!

  2. Part of why I am having trouble blogging lately is this guilt over having any feelings except contentment and peace with what I have … not because I intrinsically feel that guilt, but because any time I do express those feelings I have to brace myself for some kind of backlash. And then I think, maybe I SHOULD feel guilty for having these feelings, because some of my readers are still trying for their first, etc etc.

    Do not feel guilty for wanting more than one baby just because there are other people out there struggling for their first. People who have kids without medical intervention don’t feel guilty about wanting more than one kid. They don’t think “oh I shouldn’t try for another because my friend is still trying for one.” They don’t think that.

    And you know what? You having a baby does not take a potential baby away from someone else. And you trying to have a second one doesn’t take away someone else’s first. That isn’t how babies are made. There isn’t a finite amount and you are being greedy by taking from someone else.

    Stop shaming yourself and let yourself be sad and frustrated if you want to be. Having #1 was not easy for you. And in all likelihood having #2 won’t be, either. That sucks. It’s the hand we are dealt. You are allowed to be frustrated by it, no matter what other people are going through. This is a blog, you are just putting your thoughts out there, you aren’t forcing anyone to read it. It’s one thing to be sensitive to others’ feelings but it’s another to internalize that and translate it into guilt over having the feelings… so stop! (Easier said than done, I know.)

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