Baby in my belly!

So this morning was the ever important first ultrasound. We went in assuming I’m around 6 weeks 6 days, so a heartbeat should be visible, and maybe audible, but not necessarily.

Y’all, I’ve been nervous. I was nervous last night that I would be so wretchedly disappointed if there’s not two in there (I’ve been hoping for twins!). I was nervous that there would be NOTHING in there. Or that the something in there wouldn’t have a heartbeat. And I have been completely disturbed by my feelings of… ambivalence. I’ve wanted this for SO LONG, and now that I have it… why haven’t I felt more excited or connected to it?! And why did I used to love helping take care of my neighbor’s kids, and now, I feel no motherly anything towards them whatsoever. Isn’t pregnancy supposed to make you all maternal feeling, not anti-maternal feeling?! So many thoughts and feelings bouncing around my head at once.

All of that- every doubt, every nerve, every feeling washed away this morning. My husband and I were sitting in the ultrasound room, the doctor came in and asked how far along we should be, and the ultrasound commenced.

And there it was. One perfect little almost human looking baby. And I didn’t even care that there was only one. My husband immediately saw the heartbeat flickering. I did not. He and the doctor had to point it out to me. But then… THEN… the doctor turned on the sound. And I heard the heartbeat. I heard it like it was my own. But it wasn’t my own. It was the baby’s. And tears came into my eyeballs. I wasn’t disappointed in just having one. I finally believe that there is a little life growing inside me. I realized why I haven’t been so maternal-ish to my neighbor’s kids too… because suddenly I have this overwhelming feeling that my kid is better than anyone else’s kid (now I get where parent’s get that idea from… but I promise not to parent like it), and I just want mine.

The baby measured at 6 weeks 4 days, which is only 2 days off of our estimate, which is awesome. It also makes sense because that puts conception on Saturday- the IUI was done midday on a Thursday, and you know… we did stuff through the whole weekend. : ) The heartbeat was good and strong for this early on at 129 bpm.

So, without further ado… here are some shots of what my husband and I have come to call “Baby Bunny” **

I was surprised at how clear he/she is. I thought babies were supposed to be hard to see this early on... but apparently not anymore.

You maybe don't so much care about this... but I totally do. It's the heartbeat. The glorious sound waves of the heartbeat.

** Baby Bunny because my husband and I have this extraordinarily odd habit of calling each other random animals as pet names. It’s been hippo, moose, etc. etc. and bunny. Bunny has been the most recent, and generally a pretty long standing, pet name. And now we are growing a baby bunny. Yea, yea… go ahead and roll your eyes.

As for what now…

I stay with the RE until the end of the first trimester, according to him, unless he changes his mind. We go back for another ultrasound next Wednesday, and generally every 1-2 weeks until the end of the first trimester. He is keeping me on Metformin until he tells me otherwise. And prescribing me vitamin b6 to help out with the attacks of nausea that come every night. And I’m to go buy this specific type of disgusting ginger drink.

At the end he told me, “Congratulations… good job!” To which I wanted to reply, “No, sir: Good job to you and your nurse! You did this!”

I just might tell them this when they graduate me up. I just might.

As for this blog… now that we’ve seen the baby and know that, at least for now, it’s alive and well in there, I will be moving all posts baby related over to my main blog, The Army Doctor’s Wife (linked now, so you don’t have to search it out : ) ). If you’re interested in following along and continuing to read about how this pregnancy goes, please subscribe to that blog and/or add it to your reader. Thank you so much for all the support you’ve offered me over here. You ladies made me feel so much less alone in the world of infertility, and gave me hope on a daily basis. I intend on continuing to read about you guys’ journeys on a regular basis, and offering love and encouragement where I can. I will NOT be shutting down this blog entirely… because I will always have the PCOS, and want to be able to come back and vent about it as needed here.

Thank you all for your continued love, encouragement, and support. It has meant more than I have words to put in a blog.

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Eternal Optimist

I’m grateful to several people in my life for always thinking positive when I seem to have lost the ability.

My husband. He’s a doctor, and he knows the risks and statistics and odds that something could go wrong with this, our first pregnancy. Yet he has never once doubted the, um, efficacy or viability of this pregnancy. He has, on more than one occasion (ahem… a daily basis) encouraged me to think positive. And just last night, my husband, who is a Christian, but is shy about praying aloud, prayed out loud for our baby’s safety.

My neighbor. She is not a doctor. She is a mother to three children, and has had only one miscarriage because she fell down the stairs before she even knew she was pregnant. She is a constant rock for me, always telling me that my baby(ies…she’s convinced there’s more than one) are safe in there. She also tells me I should be grounded from reading the internet and what could go wrong. This woman, who is a little less than three years younger than me, has been a daily encouragement and support for me.

Today, she brought me my first set of maternity clothes as a belated birthday present. We haven’t even seen this baby on a screen yet, but she is so happy for me, and so confident in mine and C’s ability to make and keep babies, that she went out and bought me a ridiculously cute outfit. And handmade blocks that spell “baby” to take belly pictures with. It made my day.

They could both be horribly wrong. Things could always go horribly wrong. I am distinctly aware of that. But I’m also grateful to be surrounded by so much positivity, because if this does turn out to be the real thing… I don’t want to look back on this time and feel sad that I didn’t enjoy it more rather than living in fear. I don’t want to live in fear.

And if they are horribly wrong? I will be heartbroken and sad. I will mourn. I will save my super cute maternity outfit and baby blocks for another time. And we will try again.

Wednesday morning, 7:30am. We will find out a lot. Cross your fingers, say some prayers, rub your rabbit’s foot that the baby (or babies) are safe and sound and stuck there for good. Until I know otherwise, I think I’m going to start erring on the side of optimism…. Risky, I know, but I don’t want any regrets later.

Beta #2

HCG: 512

Progesterone: 27

I’m WAY excited about the HCG, and the progesterone is good, but I’m not sure what it means if the progesterone has gone done a couple units. I’m hoping nothing bad! I was curious about whether the HCG was strong or not, and so I googled… duh… and found this calculator:

Woo! See that green line?! That's me!

Source

So that’s where we’re at. I’m still hesitant to announce it on my other blog, and plan on waiting until after our first ultrasound on Nov. 9 to mention it over there. Please bear with me while I still share things over here.

As for any symptoms, there’s nothing too bad to complain about. I’m super tired a lot. My boobs are HUGE and sore-ish. I’ve had some indigestion, and more than anything I’ve had cramps. They feel exactly like period cramps, and they come and go- never lasting super long.

For now I’m just sitting around waiting, feeling pretty much the same as before, like nothing has changed, but somehow everything has changed.

Pregnancy Stupid

You know what I didn’t know that I didn’t know?

How pregnancy weeks are counted.

I thought the time started counting at conception, which with us, is fairly easy to pinpoint to a certain three-ish day span. According to MY way, I’m like 2 weeks, 3 days pregnant. Because I just wasn’t pregnant before 2 weeks, 3 days ago, right? Well, apparently that’s wrong according to the rest of the world.

I’ve read lots of things recently, particularly “pregnancy by week” things, and every single one of them includes the theoretical two weeks BEFORE you ever ovulate. Everything is based off the last day of your last menstrual period. This was (and honestly still is) beyond confusing for me, because there were like, 26 days before I ovulated- not 14, and well, WHAT? You’re NOT PREGNANT BEFORE YOU OVULATE. SO WHY DOES IT COUNT?

So when our parents have asked us how far along we are here, I of course have been answering with “2 weeks, so it’s still really early and anything can go wrong.” And C’s close intern friends who have known what we’ve been going through to get pregnant have been informed simply because they knew we did an IUI, and people ask questions, etc. So everyone that knows has been warned that it’s super early and anything can go wrong, etc. etc. And that we’re 2 weeks pregnant.

Fast forward to last night. We’re having dinner with one of the other interns and his wife. Wife congratulates C, and other intern says to me with a smile, “It’s still really early, so I’m saving my congratulations for a couple weeks from now. I would be a wreck if Wife was pregnant and it was still so early. So many things can still happen.” This sounds pretty rude in writing, but you’ve got to know the guy. I wasn’t offended. Instead, I was like, YES. THANK YOU. IT’S SO EARLY STILL. C has been trying to get me to stop being a debbie downer about what could happen.

So a little later in the evening, pregnancy comes back up and I mention what I’ve been reading and that by THOSE standards, I’m something like 4 weeks, 3 days pregs, at which point Other Intern gives me a big smile and says, “OH, congratulations then! You’re far enough along to congratulate.” I was all, “W.T.F.? WHY? WHY? 2 OF THOSE WEEKS THERE WAS NOTHING IN MY UTERUS??”

C and Other Intern spent several minutes trying to explain the logic to me, but I still just. don’t. get. it. C said that when we go in for an ultrasound on Nov. 9, they will give us a better, more accurate week/day count, but that it will be based on that same system of counting the couple weeks prior to actually conceiving. Y’all. I never knew.

Anyway. Tomorrow is the ever important second beta. I just need to get through tomorrow, never mind figuring out how many “weeks” I am pregnant.

Did you guys know that’s how pregnancy weeks are counted? I’m the only ridiculous one, aren’t I?

Beta #1

Well, friends. It’s for reals.

HCG: 95.1

Progesterone: 30.98

My next beta is Monday, and if the numbers are doubling up like they should, I won’t be back until my first ultrasound.

My first ultrasound is scheduled for November 9th.

I’m praying for numbers raising like they should.

Thank you all for your sweet comments and support. So many of the women I’ve met through these interwebs are the nicest people I’ve ever known. Thank you especially for reminding me to celebrate, because truthfully for the first 48 hours I was quite a debbie downer about it all- in real life, and on the internets.

We’re not out of the woods yet, but I’m grateful to be standing here at the beginning of them.

Disbelief

Um. Yesterday was 12DP-IUI. Per my nurse’s instructions, I peed on a stick. I wasn’t expecting anything at all. I had period cramps the whole day before, you know… period period cramps. They felt familiar. I had resigned myself to the fact that the period must be coming.

But then there was this:

The first... bad lighting, but very slight, faint second line.

And then, because of my disbelief because that second line was so faint, this:

And even more, because I was really, really doubtful…

I feel nervous, I feel apprehensive, I still feel doubtful, I feel unsure, I feel scared, and most of all, I feel guilty. Why me? Why on earth me when my sweet friends are still struggling? It’s not fair. It’s not the natural order of things. It only makes sense that those who have been trying for longer get theirs first. It’s not effing fair.

I feel a slight twinge of excitement, but really more than anything I feel everything listed above. Scared, because I’ve heard too many sad stories about miscarriages to believe that this is going to last. Doubtful, because I need to see the blood work to confirm it. Unsure, because I never imagined this actually happening to me. Guilty, because my heart still aches for my friends who need, and DESERVE, their positives. And all the way back around to scared again because I know so many things can go wrong right now and screw all of this up.

I don’t even know what to do. Or what happens next. Or anything.

I can say though, that if this indeed turns out to be a viable pregnancy, that I will be moving all things pregnancy related over to my main blog, The Army Doctor’s Wife, out of respect for my friends and others who are still waiting for their positives. This blog was meant to be an outlet to write about my dealings in the infertility world with PCOS in a place where the regular readers on my other blog who were grossed out by such things, or just didn’t want to hear about such things, could avoid them. But this was just that, a PCOS/infertility blog, and while I still have, and will always have, PCOS, it doesn’t seem fair to write about being pregnant in such an environment. I will leave it up here for anyone who stumbles across wanting to read about what others have done and what has worked for others, but once I know for sure this is viable and real (sooo…. like, 6-8 weeks or so. I won’t believe it until there’s a heartbeat), all pregnancy related posts can be found at ADW.

I absolutely understand if you just can’t read me, or be interweb friends with me any longer. I know that it can be very difficult reading about these things when you’re in the midst of battling infertility. My heart still aches for you guys, and you’re in my prayers and thoughts regularly.

Tomorrow is the beta. We’ll see if any of this is really for real, and then… I don’t know. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do next.

Perfect Ending to a Bad Beginning

I clearly bailed on all of you on Tuesday and never posted an update about my wanding and blood work. So sorry. Finding my dog was the number one priority, and for a few days, I could’ve cared less what my ovs were doing. For the complete story on that, check out my main blog: The Army Doctor’s Wife.

The week ended near perfectly though, starting with us finding our sweet dog yesterday afternoon, getting good news from the RE today, putting the smack down on our homeowner’s association accountants, and decorating my house for fall/Halloween- the beginning of my favorite time of year! There was even a full rainbow across the sky at the end of it all.

So rewind to Tuesday. I went in for my follie check and blood work. My follies were… negligible at best. Bah. BUT, when the nurse called with my blood work results, she said my estradiol had gone up from 31 to 63. A small, but promising jump. So she told me to come back today, Friday.

In between that time I lost my mind trying to find my dog and balance school and remembering to eat and forgetting all household chores. Then I found my dog and things slowly started righting themselves.

Today, I went back in to check things out. Today, there were two clear dominant follies- one on each ovary. When I say dominant here, I’m not talking 18mm+ awesome follies, but hopefully growing, clear leaders of the pack at 11mm and 10.6 mm each. Everyone else was eating their dust. When the nurse called with the blood work results, she said, and I quote, “It looks like you’ve turned a corner! It’s great- your estradiol levels went up to 134!”

Wooo! I know it’s not trigger time, or requiring any action at this point, but it means that FINALLY something is jump starting my ovs like they should be. I’m relieved. I go back Monday morning bright and early for another check up. Hopefully the follies are ready to burst and my estradiol is through the roof. A girl can hope and pray, no?

In addition to these fabulous endings, my husband has been dealing with our homeowner’s association because they said we were delinquent on a payment and were charging us late fees, which…. is completely false. In fact, we are one payment AHEAD of schedule. So he spent a good two hours going back and forth between them and the bank, and at the end? The homeowner’s association called us and apologized for their mistake, which was crediting OUR payment to a different account. Score for us.

Then it rained, and I decorated our house for Halloween because y’all? October is my single most favorite month of the year. The weather turns beautiful and chilly, my birthday comes, Halloween is always fun, and generally it just brings good feelings to my heart.

And when I was walking by the back door to set some pumpkin spice candles on the mantle, I looked outside and a complete rainbow was arching over the sky. It was a beautiful ending to a beautiful week. Happy October, y’all!