Updated preface: There are some in the infertility world, or even in the non infertility world, who might consider the following to be an overreaction. That’s fine. However, I should not have to, and I will not, be sorry for how I feel tonight. Some of you might find disappointing cycles and receiving bad news to be old hat, something you’ve become able to manage. I have not. This is my first bout with this kind of bad news and disappointment. I am not good at it. It’s not pretty. And I’m not sorry. You can judge me for how I feel and how I am reacting, but please, keep your opinions to yourself. This crap is hard enough to go through without people shouting trite overtures of, “IT’S OKAY!! IT’S ONLY YOUR FIRST CYCLE!!” in my face. I reserve my right to be pissed off and upset and heartbroken and disappointed every time I get bad news like today, whether it be the first time, or the thirtieth time. I do not care if you think it is an overreaction. I’m not sorry. I’m a positive person 90% of the time. I like to look on the bright side. I know that tomorrow, I will wake up and carry on with my day and my life and everything will be fine. But tonight, I will sit here in my bathtub and eat pizza and cry however long and however hard and however ugly I want.** End preface.
I’m going to have to apologize in advance for however crazy and psychotic and emotional and effed up this post is going to be. You absolutely do not have to read this. I’m writing it in the middle of a breakdown because it’s the only way I know how to deal right now. It’s the only way I know how to make myself stop hyperventilating.
My nurse called today at 2pm with the lab results. It wasn’t good news, to say the least.
First and foremost, I’m not pregnant. But I kind of figured that.
Secondly, the progesterone way stupidly low- .6 kind of low. I know. It’s painfully, you haven’t, kind of ovulated low.
She said, I’m sure to give me SOME kind of solace, that we could wait until next Monday just see if my period came because sometimes the progesterone readings can be finicky because they fluctuate so much during the day (but I know they don’t fluctuate that much), and if not we could test again for pregnancy, and if that was negative to start with the provera. I told her, even though I know better, that I would like to do that, if only to see if the crazy period cramps I’ve been experiencing all day turn out to be worth anything. I know they won’t be.
I asked my husband to show me the test results this evening, because even though she tried to tell me they were all normal, I just HAD to know. I had to SEE them, so I could fully understand what she was telling me. I don’t do well just LISTENING to things, I have to see them with my eyeballs. I’m a visual learner. So reluctantly, he showed them to me. He explained the ranges of the results, and said that they even confused him. Granted, he’s not an infertility specialist by any means but still. My estradiol level reads like I’m in the luteal phase. My LH level reads like I’m going to ovulate. My progesterone reads like I’m still in the follicular phase. Nothing is right.
And I’m just… heartbroken. Frustrated doesn’t even begin to describe what I’m feeling. I’m mad that my body still isn’t working, despite so much medication. 2000mg of Metformin and 100mg of Clomid days 3-7 and my body didn’t work. I feel broken. Like I’m not a normal woman, probably because, well, I’m not a normal woman.
And today I began to understand why marriages suffer when there’s any kind of infertility involved. My husband, he just doesn’t get it. I think he tries. He REALLY tries. But he just doesn’t. Whenever I would tell him over the past week that I was just going to assume the worst, that I was going to assume that I’m not pregnant and so one and so forth, he would tell me that was a bad mindset, and that I should stop playing mind games with myself because they made me feel disappointed all the time. He said I should just be okay being in limbo. Worst. Advice. Ever. But I didn’t get upset with him, because truthfully he is the most even-keeled, rational person I know, and he was just trying to be positive. He didn’t want to see me so negative and down all the time. Today though. Today when we finished discussing the results and The New Plan, he went about as if everything was fine. He put the dogs away and started to get ready to leave for dinner with some of the other residents. He acted as if today’s results, while disappointing, were not the worst news ever and things were carrying on as normal. When I broke down into tears on the couch, he came over and asked if I was frustrated. But he said it in such a… positive tone. Not positive like he was happy, but positive like he himself was not frustrated, but knew that I was and so he was using his, “I’m trying to be optimistically supportive,” tone. He sat down and rubbed my back and kept trying to talk to me about feeling frustrated. But frustrated is not the word to describe how I am feeling. And his condolences were so trite. And all I could think about was how he was not helping, and how all that advice he gave me about “being okay with whatever outcome” was absolute crap, and how could he just go on and not be disappointed or frustrated with these results himself?! This affects him too. He supposedly wants to be trying to have a baby with me, and when we get news that his highly medicated, hormonally moody wife’s body still isn’t functioning right, he isn’t the least bit sad or heartbroken with me? I know that he cannot physically understand what it feels like to be in my position. He cannot physically understand what it’s like to not have a functional body. He’s the one with the amazing sperm count and excellent morphology and motility. He’s good at this, like he is at most everything. He doesn’t know what it’s like to feel broken. I know that that’s a big part of why he doesn’t know the right thing to say. He’s trying. But he just doesn’t know, and I just can’t be around him right now. I love him so ridiculously much, but it just hurts to much to be around someone who can’t understand how I’m feeling.
And I’m mad at the stupid charting. I’m mad at Fertility Friend for telling me I ovulated when I clearly have not. I’m mad that I got my hopes up SO high that my body at least did something right this cycle. I’m mad that I believed it. I’m mad that there is nothing, NOTHING I can do to know what’s going on inside my body without having blood drawn or an ultrasound. I have no idea what’s happening in my body and there is nothing I can do about it. I feel powerless and out of control.
I’m mad that all this acne on my face is just here, and it’s ugly, and it’s not going away because we are trying to have a baby. I hate the reflection when I look in the mirror without makeup. I used to go without makeup often. I preferred no makeup. I liked how I looked without makeup. And now I just feel so ugly.
I hate that the hormones inside my body have made me more emotional and moody that I can ever remember being. I hate that they make me snap at my husband at least once a day. I hate that they made me so sad that I’ve been feeling so distant from one of my best friends that I actually told her that I’ve been really sad she didn’t choose me to be a part of her bridal party. I hate that I told her that. I love her dearly and I know that was a wretchedly hard decision for her to make in the first place, and I know me telling her just made her feel worse and it was a DUMB decision that I’ve tried to apologize for but I know I can’t take my words back and it hurt her regardless of my apology. Gah I wish I could take so many things I’ve said when I’ve been emotional or moody back. I wish. I wish. I wish. I wish. I feel like this process, these drugs with their side effects, I feel like they are going to make me ruin every important relationship I have.
Mostly I am heartbroken. I am heartbroken about all these things. I am heartbroken, and sitting in my empty bathtub with a hand towel and my laptop. I know, rationally, that today’s news was not the end of the world, or the worst news I could’ve gotten. But it was bad enough news for me today. I so badly wanted this to work.
I am a Christian and I believe that God all knowing and all powerful. I know that He knew that I would be sitting here in this bathtub, hyperventilating and crying until there are no more tears and pouring my heart and mind out to strangers on the internet. I know He knew I would have dysfunctional ovaries before I was even born. I’m not angry with Him for letting me endure this. I don’t blame Him or point my finger at Him. I know there’s a bigger purpose. I do have faith that something good will come of this. I have faith that He will answer my prayers somehow, in some way, one day. But today, He will have to forgive me for feeling so let down and broken.