Yesterday I mentioned my tendency lately to think I’m pregnant based on all these things my body is doing, but always being wrong. Here are a few of them:
Hey internet. I know there are crickets out there, but I needed a place to come to get this all out. I kind of like it that no one views this blog anymore, because what I need to say I don’t really want a ton of people knowing.
So much has happened since that very last post here. I’m happy to report that I went on to have a healthy pregnancy and delivered our baby girl at 39 weeks and 5 days. She is the light of our lives, truly. And in 24 days, she will be one year old. Already. Holy cow.
In the past month or two, I have utterly and completely failed at taking birth control. I used to be so good at it, but I don’t know. Something happened to my memory. Anyway. C and I decided that I just would be off of it. Because really, if I did get pregnant it would AMAZING because, you know, YAY! No medical assistance necessary! And we want two bebes ideally anyway, and so, yea. It would be cool. Basically we aren’t in a place to seek out fertility treatment again, but we would be over the moon happy if something happened naturally.
Which is what brings me here.
The problem is that my body doesn’t do ANYTHING it’s supposed to do naturally. I knew this already, but it’s been a gut wrenching reminder lately as I’ve had so many “OMG SO MANY PREGNANCY SYMPTOMS MAYBE I’M PREGNANT!!” moments, only to be letdown by negative test after negative test. So many tears, again. Already. And we’re not even *technically* trying. I forgot how disappointing and painful it is to have a body that doesn’t seem to work. I also forgot that so many symptoms of PCOS, and PCOS coming off of birth control, shockingly mimic pregnancy symptoms in a way. Like acne. And cramping. And some other gross things. And then there are symptoms that aren’t PCOS related, I’m sure, but also don’t seem to mean pregnancy for me either. So it’s a double whammy.
Because of the cruel reminder that my body likes to act pregnant but never actually get pregnant (without injections of medicine and a catheter in my uterus, at least), I’ve been pretty emotional and sad. Which is so, SO stupid because we have this one, beautiful, wonderful gift of a child that I would love to spend more one on one time with before adding another baby to our family. But somehow, feeling pregnant and then not actually being pregnant- despite knowing that ideally C and I would like another year or so with E before another baby- crushes my heart. Because deep down, I do want another baby. I want my body to WORK, DAMMIT. I want to be one of those rare instances. One of those lucky people who are like, “WHOOPS!!”
I’ll never have a “whoops.”
I want to be one of those PCOSers who get pregnant via fertility treatments, and then unknowingly and accidentally gets pregnant naturally after that first baby.
I’ll never be one of those.
I’m just not that lucky. Things like that never happen to me.
I told C earlier that this situation is both win-win and lose-lose. If I were pregnant, it would be awesome because YAY! WE DID IT BY OURSELVES! And, YAY! A sibling for E!! I
If I’m not pregnant, then it’s awesome because YAY! MORE PRECIOUS TIME WITH OUR SWEET BABY GIRL WHO ISN’T EVEN A FULL YEAR YET!
Win-win, you see. Win if I am, win if I’m not.
Then again, if I’m pregnant it’s scary because Eeeek! What about E!? We need more time with her! More time as just a family of three!!
And, if I’m not pregnant… heart crushing, spirit destroying disappointment. My body doesn’t do what a woman’s is supposed to do. I can’t get pregnant on my own. And really? I, deep down, want another baby.
Which sounds so greedy to me. So then I shame myself.
Shame on you, L, for not appreciating what you have. You have been gifted a beautiful, precious child. You have friends who are still waiting for that gift. How dare you ask for more? How dare you even THINK about wanting another baby. Cherish the one child you have. Every single minute.
Don’t get me wrong. I do. I adore that sweet girl. ADORE. I am so blessed. So fortunate. So, so lucky to have her. We are beyond grateful.
I don’t want to be greedy. But I also want my body to do what it was designed to do, naturally. I want that joy.
So that’s where I’m at, and I’ve got nowhere to really share these thoughts and feelings with. Mostly because it feels so wrong to feel them and share them when I know so many still struggling just to have one sweet baby.
Well, friends. It’s for reals.
My next beta is Monday, and if the numbers are doubling up like they should, I won’t be back until my first ultrasound.
My first ultrasound is scheduled for November 9th.
I’m praying for numbers raising like they should.
Thank you all for your sweet comments and support. So many of the women I’ve met through these interwebs are the nicest people I’ve ever known. Thank you especially for reminding me to celebrate, because truthfully for the first 48 hours I was quite a debbie downer about it all- in real life, and on the internets.
We’re not out of the woods yet, but I’m grateful to be standing here at the beginning of them.
Nothing new or significant to report really, but I’ve definitely been thinking about and pondering this cycle.
Today is 10DPIUI, 11DPTriggerShot. It’s too early to tell if I’m pregs, I realize, but I’m thinking I’m not. I’ve had a couple period-y feeling cramps here and there (and you know we ALL know exactly what our period cramps feel like), and well, I just have this feeling that it’s going to come sooner or later. I’m not devastatingly disappointed, probably because I’ve spent such a great deal of time contemplating that outcome and how I will handle it. I’ve decided that if my period does indeed come, I’m going to be excited if it comes AFTER 12 DPiui (you hear that, period? Any time AFTER 12 DPiui!). I will consider this good news because it means my LP is a good length and that’s one less thing for me to worry about. I’ve decided that rather than sit here and contemplate whether or not I’m pregnant, I’ll just assume I’m not (not pregnant until proven pregnant by the court of RE blood work) and contemplate how long I can go before the period arrives, and be relieved, rather than bummed out, when it does show up (unless, of course, it shows up tonight or tomorrow, in which case I’ll be doubly bummed for having a sub-optimal LP AND not being pregs… but I’m hoping this isn’t the case). Consider it my consolation prize this time around.
If you follow me on Twitter (@themedwife), you likely saw a series of convoluted tweets about me hating my husband’s job, having the worst morning ever, and so on and so forth. It was, to say the least, not a smooth sailing, everything goes the way it should, kind of morning. I wrote a really long post about it last night, complete with all the gory details, and then I didn’t post it because, well, it just seemed too personal, and while I’m ALL. ABOUT. PERSONAL. on my blogs, I just didn’t feel right about it. So I didn’t post it. Maybe I will one day, but not today.
To make a long story short(er), here’s the deal. Our IUI was scheduled yesterday morning. It finally got done around 1:30pm. This was not because one of us didn’t show up. We certainly showed up to all the right places. This was not the doctor’s or nurse’s fault. This was just… how it was. The bit about me hating my husband’s job at the time referred to the fact that my husband has been on night float at the hospital for a couple weeks now, and because of this is exhausted each and every morning. This may or may not have had a HUGE effect on our IUI plans.
Regardless of what did or did not happen, it got done. I had to skip a major Spanish test to do it (which has since been a constant source of anxiety, waiting to see if my professor will let me make up the exam, especially since she doesn’t typically allow make-up tests). C’s swimmers were phenomenal (yea… I’m a little proud, not going to lie. 60million, 92% motility- woo! When you can’t really brag about your own body, you’ve got to take the victories where you can find them, right?). All is good in IUI land at last.
For anyone who wants to know what it’s like- think, um, yearly gyn exam. It wasn’t comfortable, but it wasn’t painful. I don’t wish to ever do it again (please, God).
Hope you all are having a happy Friday!
Tomorrow is the IUI. Tonight is the trigger shot.
C wanted me to call the nurse back on Tuesday and verify with her exactly why we were doing an IUI. He just couldn’t handle the shock of not knowing that’s what we were doing ahead of time, even though we had agreed that we would go through with it. So I called, and of course, it was exactly what I thought it would be: an IUI doubles our chances of getting pregs as opposed to just timed intercourse, and, when the shots are so expensive and being provided to us free of charge thanks to a government grant we want to maximize each time we have to use them- not to mention hopefully avoid another round of giving myself shots. She said that we could back off and just do TI, but I told her that, no, we absolutely wanted to do the IUI. So IUI it is. And it’s tomorrow.
As for the timing- 12 hrs, vs. 24 hrs., vs. 36. I’m not sure what the doctor’s reasoning there is, but from what I’ve gathered this is where he starts all his IUI patients at. I know he’s been tremendously successful at getting girls pregs, so… I’m just going to trust he knows what he’s doing this time around. That, and the nurse said we will still definitely need to be having the sexes starting the day of the IUI and for about a week after, JUST IN CASE. I’m ALL about maximizing the odds here, people. (That was a ton of TMI, but you know, you knew what you were getting into here.)
I’m not going to go nuts. I’ve already decided this. I’ve told myself that this time, I’m not going to analyze every twinge or “symptom.” I’m not going to walk around being all, “I COULD BE PREGNANT RIGHT NOW,” in my head. I’m just going to do my best to throw myself into school and work (I got a job! Woo!) and hanging out with friends, and not dwell on what could or could not be happening in my uterus.
I don’t even know when or if I’ll start testing. I don’t think I’ll read up on the science behind IUI’s and when implantation should or should not occur. I’ve done well this cycle by only relying on the information given to me in monitoring appointments, it’s kept me from going crazy. I think I’m going to stick to that route, and see what happens. Mostly, I just want to avoid laying in an empty bathtub for three hours sobbing and eating pizza. I don’t know that this will work. I’m praying it does. I’m hoping that C’s excellent swimmers, my seemingly good uterine lining, and my actually developed follicles releasing an egg actually come together in some kind of serendipitous way, but I’m not going to walk around believing this is going to happen FOR SURE. I’m just going to trust that whatever happens, however it happens, is what was supposed to happen right now, at this point in our lives.
T-9.5 hours until trigger, y’all. Woo!
This morning was yet another wanding monitoring appointment. It was all good news. One 15 mm follie on one side, and a 13 mm on the other. And the uterine lining is 11.6mm, which is good, right?
So anyway, the nurse took a look at the sizes and made some kind of celebratory remark and brought me back to her office where she pulled a box from the drawer and said, “I’m going to give you a trigger shot.” She instructed me to ABSOLUTELY UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES use it until they give me the go ahead, and then she explained to me how it will work (it’s Ovidrel, for you infertility friends who know about this stuff). She then said that she will call me later with the labs, and if all looks well I can expect to trigger on Wednesday night. She’d call me later with lab results and whether or not they want to bring me in before triggering, if indeed it were to be planned for Wednesday night.
Wooo! I was excited for all that good news.
She called around 2pm-ish and told me my lab results- estradiol was at 382! Woohoo! Great news. Then she said that I need to take the trigger shot at 10pm on Wednesday night. Okay, check! But there was more. She told me to go ahead and call the sperm washing place to make an appointment to have a sperm wash done.
Wait, what? We never discussed IUI-ing this cycle. We never really discussed WHAT would happen in this cycle at all, other than moving me up to the injections, actually. I just assumed we’d have timed intercourse and all that jazz. I mean, I’m not opposed to IUI-ing, I just wasn’t really mentally prepared to hear that. So she gave me the phone number to the place and told me that the IUI is scheduled for 10am on Thursday morning, and that we should go to the sperm washing place whenever they can have us come in that morning, and immediately go to their clinic afterwards, whether it be 9:30am or 11am. Just to come, and they’d get me in to complete the IUI.
Y’all. I’m kind of in shock here. I’m definitely not opposed to doing an IUI. Really, I’m not. But I was all psyched up to GET. IT. ON. to make babies (ahahaha, tmi, sorry), and suddenly we are going all the way with the science and stuff. It’s just a mental adjustment, I suppose. And honestly, I bet if I called tomorrow and said, “Hey look, we didn’t really discuss this IUI business ahead of time, and C and I aren’t really ready to jump to that step yet. We’d like to try timed intercourse first, etc. etc.” That they’d have NO problem with it. I really don’t think they would. I don’t know what they were thinking, but I do know that the drugs- all those expensive injections- are paid for by a government grant so we the patients aren’t paying a dime for them. I imagine that they want to maximize their chances of success with each woman they hand them out to, and for me, an IUI likely maximizes them. I don’t really know. I’m not too worried about it, like I said. Just caught off guard.
C was getting ready to walk out the door to go to work and overheard the conversation. He seemed urked, so I immediately freaked out and was all, “OMG. Are you mad? Do you not want to do an IUI? Etc. Etc. Etc.” He laughed and said that no, he wasn’t mad at all, but that he was a little miffed at the surprise. As a doctor himself, he thinks that news like that shouldn’t ever be a surprise to the patient, so, uh, yea. He wasn’t angry, but he was on the more extreme said of the, “Wait, what?” reaction.
All in all, I think we are both okay with doing an IUI, dare I say even a little excited. Just taken aback because we didn’t think that’s what we were doing. Just a simple miscommunication this time around. We aren’t angry. I still have the utmost confidence in my doctor and his nurse. And uh, yea. So that’s that. IUI on Thursday at 10 am. Oh goodness.
PS: My IUI friends- tell me this, because I don’t remember what the nurse told me. I know I am to continue to gogo injections today and tomorrow, but do I take one on Wednesday afternoon, the day of my trigger (trigger is at 10pm- shots are usually mid-afternoon)? What were you guys told? I will probably call to verify with the nurse tomorrow, but I wanted to know what you guys did.