Off the ledge

You people. You people are why I blog. You talk me off the ledge, and encourage me, and make me feel a smidge less crazy. It’s like free therapy on occasion. Not only do you people encourage me and talk me off the ledge, I get the privilege of knowing your stories too, and encouraging when I can, and talking off the ledge when I’m not standing on the edge of it myself. Thank you so much for all your encouraging stories and advice yesterday. I’m feeling much less panicked about it all today, and like maybe it’s all good right now after all. It’s only 5 weeks (as of today! Woo!), so as always, anything can happen, but I feel reassured knowing what’s been happening is not anything but normal.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go tear up at the conclusion Seinfeld Finale rerun (and I definitely totally didn’t remember how to spell Seinfeld just now…umm….)

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Panic, panic, panic, annnddd, panic some more

This is not a complaining post. This is a crazy, paranoid, scared post. Just to give you a heads up.

Yesterday was my 27th birthday. I wish I could say that it was an awesome day, but several things went wrong, least of which being a Spanish presentation that went horribly. But never mind that.

Through my very brief stint of being pregnant, one of the most consistent symptoms I’ve felt is cramping. At first it was just like period cramping, which I was told is totally normal. However, occasionally I now have times where I’m cramping, but it doesn’t feel like my period cramps. Period cramps are more of a dull pain for me, and these cramps are much more, well, painful. They go by quickly though, never lasting more than a minute or two, and sporadically coming throughout the day, and never accompanied by blood.

Soooo…. let the TMI begin… NOW.

So yesterday morning, I’m preparing for the wretched Spanish presentation, and I suddenly have to go the bathroom… and not just to pee, you know what I’m saying? So I go, and I wipe, and there’s a little bit of pink on the toilet paper. I. freaked. out. I emailed husband, who told me that if it was just one time and just a little bit of pink that it was nothing to be concerned about at this point, but to keep an eye on it. I calmed down a great deal, but then spent the next hour feeling cramps in my belly. The problem is, I couldn’t tell if they were cramps having to do with pregnancy, or GI cramps. I DID spend the next hour also running back and forth between the bathroom to uh… do my business. Way TMI. But whatever.

So after that morning, I felt better for the rest of the day. No more pink. No blood. Barely any, if at all, cramping.

I went to bed, and around 1am heard my dog doing that hacking, pre-puke dog thing. He was under our bed. Because he has a history of doing this, my first, instinctual, gut reaction is to jump out of bed, drag him out from under there and throw him in the bathroom. So that’s what I did. I got out of bed as fast as I could (very akin to “jumping”), got on my hands and knees, dragged him out- which he resisted, and threw (okay, placed gently) him in the bathroom. As soon as I finished, I remembered that I’m pregs and immediately regretted it when my stomach felt ALL kinds of cramped up and uncomfortable- like I jostled my insides a little too much with the jumping out of bed and dragging my dog out from under there. I laid back in bed curled up, waiting for the painful cramping to subside, and said to husband, “I don’t think I should do that anymore.” I wasn’t sure what the cramping was coming from exactly but then I suddenly noticed that I was kind of gassy (so unladylike of me to share, no?), and relieving it kind of made my stomach feel better.

This morning, things are feeling alright and there has been no more pink or anything since the one time yesterday morning.

So the moral of this story is I’m panicking. I’m all kinds of panicking. And at first when the cramps just felt like period cramps and I read that was normal, I was fine, but now that there are times when the cramping is more pronounced and sharp I get worried. And then, I can’t tell the difference between GI cramping and uterine cramping. And I’m just one big hot mess.

I know I’m probably overreacting. I know I likely sound crazy. But it’s so early, and I’m still so worried that something is going to go wrong. And this is the one thing that I’m genuinely concerned about since I don’t know exactly what the newer cramps are (the ones that don’t feel like my period). I just needed to get out my worries, and honestly, I feel a tad better after writing them out.

But I can assure you, I won’t be jumping out of bed to drag my dog to the bathroom when he’s heaving. I won’t be running to my house from next door to catch the FedEx man (yeah, I did this last Friday and some cramping ensued afterwards which sent me into a panic then). I just need to chill out and not do stuff that’s going to send me into a panic if cramping follows it. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

Beta #2

HCG: 512

Progesterone: 27

I’m WAY excited about the HCG, and the progesterone is good, but I’m not sure what it means if the progesterone has gone done a couple units. I’m hoping nothing bad! I was curious about whether the HCG was strong or not, and so I googled… duh… and found this calculator:

Woo! See that green line?! That's me!

Source

So that’s where we’re at. I’m still hesitant to announce it on my other blog, and plan on waiting until after our first ultrasound on Nov. 9 to mention it over there. Please bear with me while I still share things over here.

As for any symptoms, there’s nothing too bad to complain about. I’m super tired a lot. My boobs are HUGE and sore-ish. I’ve had some indigestion, and more than anything I’ve had cramps. They feel exactly like period cramps, and they come and go- never lasting super long.

For now I’m just sitting around waiting, feeling pretty much the same as before, like nothing has changed, but somehow everything has changed.

Pregnancy Stupid

You know what I didn’t know that I didn’t know?

How pregnancy weeks are counted.

I thought the time started counting at conception, which with us, is fairly easy to pinpoint to a certain three-ish day span. According to MY way, I’m like 2 weeks, 3 days pregnant. Because I just wasn’t pregnant before 2 weeks, 3 days ago, right? Well, apparently that’s wrong according to the rest of the world.

I’ve read lots of things recently, particularly “pregnancy by week” things, and every single one of them includes the theoretical two weeks BEFORE you ever ovulate. Everything is based off the last day of your last menstrual period. This was (and honestly still is) beyond confusing for me, because there were like, 26 days before I ovulated- not 14, and well, WHAT? You’re NOT PREGNANT BEFORE YOU OVULATE. SO WHY DOES IT COUNT?

So when our parents have asked us how far along we are here, I of course have been answering with “2 weeks, so it’s still really early and anything can go wrong.” And C’s close intern friends who have known what we’ve been going through to get pregnant have been informed simply because they knew we did an IUI, and people ask questions, etc. So everyone that knows has been warned that it’s super early and anything can go wrong, etc. etc. And that we’re 2 weeks pregnant.

Fast forward to last night. We’re having dinner with one of the other interns and his wife. Wife congratulates C, and other intern says to me with a smile, “It’s still really early, so I’m saving my congratulations for a couple weeks from now. I would be a wreck if Wife was pregnant and it was still so early. So many things can still happen.” This sounds pretty rude in writing, but you’ve got to know the guy. I wasn’t offended. Instead, I was like, YES. THANK YOU. IT’S SO EARLY STILL. C has been trying to get me to stop being a debbie downer about what could happen.

So a little later in the evening, pregnancy comes back up and I mention what I’ve been reading and that by THOSE standards, I’m something like 4 weeks, 3 days pregs, at which point Other Intern gives me a big smile and says, “OH, congratulations then! You’re far enough along to congratulate.” I was all, “W.T.F.? WHY? WHY? 2 OF THOSE WEEKS THERE WAS NOTHING IN MY UTERUS??”

C and Other Intern spent several minutes trying to explain the logic to me, but I still just. don’t. get. it. C said that when we go in for an ultrasound on Nov. 9, they will give us a better, more accurate week/day count, but that it will be based on that same system of counting the couple weeks prior to actually conceiving. Y’all. I never knew.

Anyway. Tomorrow is the ever important second beta. I just need to get through tomorrow, never mind figuring out how many “weeks” I am pregnant.

Did you guys know that’s how pregnancy weeks are counted? I’m the only ridiculous one, aren’t I?

Beta #1

Well, friends. It’s for reals.

HCG: 95.1

Progesterone: 30.98

My next beta is Monday, and if the numbers are doubling up like they should, I won’t be back until my first ultrasound.

My first ultrasound is scheduled for November 9th.

I’m praying for numbers raising like they should.

Thank you all for your sweet comments and support. So many of the women I’ve met through these interwebs are the nicest people I’ve ever known. Thank you especially for reminding me to celebrate, because truthfully for the first 48 hours I was quite a debbie downer about it all- in real life, and on the internets.

We’re not out of the woods yet, but I’m grateful to be standing here at the beginning of them.

Disbelief

Um. Yesterday was 12DP-IUI. Per my nurse’s instructions, I peed on a stick. I wasn’t expecting anything at all. I had period cramps the whole day before, you know… period period cramps. They felt familiar. I had resigned myself to the fact that the period must be coming.

But then there was this:

The first... bad lighting, but very slight, faint second line.

And then, because of my disbelief because that second line was so faint, this:

And even more, because I was really, really doubtful…

I feel nervous, I feel apprehensive, I still feel doubtful, I feel unsure, I feel scared, and most of all, I feel guilty. Why me? Why on earth me when my sweet friends are still struggling? It’s not fair. It’s not the natural order of things. It only makes sense that those who have been trying for longer get theirs first. It’s not effing fair.

I feel a slight twinge of excitement, but really more than anything I feel everything listed above. Scared, because I’ve heard too many sad stories about miscarriages to believe that this is going to last. Doubtful, because I need to see the blood work to confirm it. Unsure, because I never imagined this actually happening to me. Guilty, because my heart still aches for my friends who need, and DESERVE, their positives. And all the way back around to scared again because I know so many things can go wrong right now and screw all of this up.

I don’t even know what to do. Or what happens next. Or anything.

I can say though, that if this indeed turns out to be a viable pregnancy, that I will be moving all things pregnancy related over to my main blog, The Army Doctor’s Wife, out of respect for my friends and others who are still waiting for their positives. This blog was meant to be an outlet to write about my dealings in the infertility world with PCOS in a place where the regular readers on my other blog who were grossed out by such things, or just didn’t want to hear about such things, could avoid them. But this was just that, a PCOS/infertility blog, and while I still have, and will always have, PCOS, it doesn’t seem fair to write about being pregnant in such an environment. I will leave it up here for anyone who stumbles across wanting to read about what others have done and what has worked for others, but once I know for sure this is viable and real (sooo…. like, 6-8 weeks or so. I won’t believe it until there’s a heartbeat), all pregnancy related posts can be found at ADW.

I absolutely understand if you just can’t read me, or be interweb friends with me any longer. I know that it can be very difficult reading about these things when you’re in the midst of battling infertility. My heart still aches for you guys, and you’re in my prayers and thoughts regularly.

Tomorrow is the beta. We’ll see if any of this is really for real, and then… I don’t know. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do next.

If all else fails, always have a consolation prize.

Nothing new or significant to report really, but I’ve definitely been thinking about and pondering this cycle.

Today is 10DPIUI, 11DPTriggerShot. It’s too early to tell if I’m pregs, I realize, but I’m thinking I’m not. I’ve had a couple period-y feeling cramps here and there (and you know we ALL know exactly what our period cramps feel like), and well, I just have this feeling that it’s going to come sooner or later. I’m not devastatingly disappointed, probably because I’ve spent such a great deal of time contemplating that outcome and how I will handle it. I’ve decided that if my period does indeed come, I’m going to be excited if it comes AFTER 12 DPiui (you hear that, period? Any time AFTER 12 DPiui!). I will consider this good news because it means my LP is a good length and that’s one less thing for me to worry about. I’ve decided that rather than sit here and contemplate whether or not I’m pregnant, I’ll just assume I’m not (not pregnant until proven pregnant by the court of RE blood work) and contemplate how long I can go before the period arrives, and be relieved, rather than bummed out, when it does show up (unless, of course, it shows up tonight or tomorrow, in which case I’ll be doubly bummed for having a  sub-optimal LP AND not being pregs… but I’m hoping this isn’t the case). Consider it my consolation prize this time around.